Kappa Caught Slippin'

My daughter got into the baby oil in the bathroom and spilled... I'm thinking more like POURED some on the floor. My first thought, check for hidden cameras, cause if I slip, bust my @$$ and fall through the floor I GUARANTEE that shyt's gonna go viral. No cameras. Second thought, say nothing and watch my wife slip, bust her @$$ and fall through the floor. Nope, then I would have to watch these little minions alone. Tell the wife about baby oil on the floor, she cleans it up, I go outside to cut grass. Later that night going to bathroom, hit a slick spot and hydroplaned for two feet before catching myself. A movie of my life flashed before my eyes. I wanted my money back. Damn, there's still some baby oil on the floor. It's a light sheen though, so... no need to cut into my video game time, besides, I probably fish-tailed through the worst of it so the rest should be safe. Later, going to the bathroom, ice capades. I yell "Aw damn!" to myself as I snatch my life back from the jaws of death. Yelling "Aw damn!" is a way to save yourself from the ridicule of others by acknowledging that you are aware that you are in the throws of a trip, stumble, victim of a prank or some other type of humorous mishap. That way you take some of the sting out of the insults and laughter being hurled in your direction. You say it to yourself when you're alone, so that you don't feel like an idiot. Remind myself to next time go around that spot. Later (Yeah, I know, I know! I drink a lot of tea!), half asleep, stumble to the bathroom, forgot about the oil slick. I look like Tom when he's stepped on a banana peel that Jerry so intricately placed in exactly the right spot, and goes sliding across the room. Thank goodness there wasn't an inexplicably placed ironing board to smash me in the gut and have my tongue shoot out of my mouth like one of those birthday blow out toys. I check for cameras, there are none. I think to myself... It's been three times already. Has Death skipped over me and gone after someone else? I'd better warn all the people who were on that form of mass transit with me earlier. You know, the weird guy, the jock, his girlfriend, the badass, the token racial stereotype, and the hot chick that becomes the weird guy's girlfriend. Better let them know to "Watch Out!" Or, maybe I'm a cat and I have six lives left. I wish I could see them in the top left hand corner of my vision. That would be cool, but no countdown timer though. I'd have to run fast as hell when the numbers get to less than 100. But, what I would do is purchase a bunch of turtles and through them at people.

"Aw damn!"