1. "Omaha Beach"
I had to fight my way through there twice today. Once to find a matching pair of socks for my son, and again to match an outfit for my daughter. Both times I felt like the guy searching for his missing arm during the beach landing scene in Saving Private Ryan. I should be receiving hazard pay.
2. Post a sign at the entrance that reads "Abandon hope all ye who enter here"
In reference to Dante's Divine Comedy, the phrase is posted on a sign at the entrance to hell. I go into that room with the same level of expectation at locating an object or seeing it clean as do the republican party in placing their full confidence and support behind Mitt Romney.
3. Lockup: Extended Stay
Most kids would fall out if anything other than junk food is offered as a snack, so I was very pleased to see my children happily accept apples as a snack choice. Little did I know that these young minds had been plotting. Right underneath our noses was what I believed to be plannings of an underground "hooch empire". Like inmates in a correctional facility, they were making their own alcohol from fermented apples. Apples that I thought were being consumed as both a healthy snack and a doctor repellent. In addition to the homemade wine scene I see they were also curing meats to make jerky, as well as other grains, cereals, and dehydrated foods in a fiendish plan to corner the trail-mix market. The proper authorities have been notified.
4. The Fly-Over
I don't believe that there is any safe way to navigate that minefield, but somewhere, under that rubble, is a room, or the remnants of what was once considered to be a room. I'm surprised that there are no roving bands of mercenaries or a post-apocalyptic black ninja blindly traveling west across the wastelands with an extremely hot, but sadly, gluteus maximus minimus- or, dare I say, gluteus minimus maximus- on a mission to deliver a religious text that for some reason was able to survive over 1,000 years prior to the fall of civilization, yet vanished almost yet completely while Oprah's magazine and KFC "wet naps" seem to have taken the necessary precautions to avoid total annihilation. Instead of rubbing elbows with those that take up residence there I will just do a fly-over and have the unwashed masses relocated to a local sports arena ill suited to handle them.
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